Questions about the purported durability and =
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the
Hostess  snack to the following experiments: =
  =
  EXTREME FORCE: =
  =
  A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of =
approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto
its  back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed,
the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on
its underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
=
  =
  RADIATION (test prematurely aborted): =
  =
  A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which
was set  for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma
began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The
experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick,
foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second
Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This Twinkie
leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike =
filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was
removed only upon application of a butter knife.  =
  =
  EXPOSURE: =
  =
  A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which
time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed
crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis,
birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie
was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was
observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam
insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."
=
  =
  EXTREME COLD: =
  =
  A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its
physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to
be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting
the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface.
It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer
odors.  =
  =
  EXTREME HEAT: =
  =
  A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the
Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream
holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however,
produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the
irradiation experiment.  =
  =
  IMMERSION: =
  =
  A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water.
The  Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and
viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a
water-soluble artificial coloring.  After 2 hours, the substantially. Its
coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow water
that surrounded  it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a
gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have
bloated to roughly 200 percent  of its original size, the water had
turned opaque, and a small, fan- shaped spray of filling had leaked
from one of the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the
Twinkie for further analysis were  abandoned when, under light
pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of
debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.  =
  =
  SUMMARY OF RESULTS =
  =
  The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the =
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and
artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would
unequivocally  categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical
inquiry is required  before any definite conclusions can be drawn...