Minnie and Mickey are getting a divorce.  The Judge says to Mickey,
"Mickey, why do you want to divorce Minnie?  "Mickey replies, "It's kind of
embarrassing, can I tell you in private?"  The judge agrees and Mickey
walks up to him and whispers in his ear.  The Judge looks at him and says,
"Just because she's funny doesn't mean you have to divorce her.  "Mickey
said, "I never said she was funny, she's fucking Goofy!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes
and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks
it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -
whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything
in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.  He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.  While
the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.  The bartender
is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate
it!" says the barkeeper.  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the
patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn
cue ball he measures everything first!”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying"  Jesus is
watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the
light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the
bird answered.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.   "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."  So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a
salad?"
"Certainly sir, "replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.  "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?
"The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife.  "The guy says,
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."