10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with
pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely
lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your
split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open
graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal &
saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate
mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the
bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a
swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every
orifice.

AND THE NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your  temple.