.........................THE HISTORY OF SPAM................................ By Texas

DISCLAIMER:SPAM is a trademark of Hormel Foods, Inc. This document was written with the utmost respect to their fine products.

SPAM TIMELINE

       1                          2          3             4          5 6 

----+------------------+------+---------+------+-+ 

       2B                       1          1               1         1 1
       0.                         9          9               9         9 9
       0C                       3          4               8         8 9 

       0.                         2          9               6         9 2

1. Spam first discovered by Vikings.
2. Spam mined from U.S. Shores and sold by Hormel, Inc. 
3. Twist-key opening SpamCan designed.  New design introduced and accepted by A.S.U.-  (American Spam Union) 
4. Twist-key banned due to overwhleming suicides (1,203 cut on edge of can, 4,734 mysterously died with Spam can in hand and mysterious - leisions and cuts over - entire body, 3,562 gone insane trying to open can, 2056 missing.)
5. First Spam on the moon. 
6. Spam discovered as substitute for -   Nonoxynol-9 and Asbestos.


The delicious conglomeration of pork, fat, monosodium glutamate, monodextrose ,sodium nitrate and/or nitrite, sodium chloride (et. al..), which we all have grown to know and love (And nontheless take for granted) throughout our lifetimes, Spam, has played a key part in the evolution of Homo Sapiens. (Some studies attribute the creation of the female gender directly to Spam itself.) But in order to appreciate this wonder of nature, we must first explore its origin. Deep beneath the earth's crust in what we now know as the state of Wyoming, during the Paleozoic Era, an enourmous series of earthquakes and seismic shocks created the Rocky Mountains. Beneath the mountains, the earth was rich in silicon, sodium, carbon, uranium, sodium, chlorine, and hydrogen. In an unexplained phenomena, the formation of the Rockies fused these elements together, triggered a series of radioactive decays, and formed a fluid medium beneath the mountains. This gelatinous material was not living, but had chemical attributes essential to life itself. These chemicals, amino acids, deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), ribonucleic acid (RNA), and other protein-like chemicals slowly seeped into the underground water systems and eventually found their way into the ocean. For years, these chemicals drifted through the ocean and collected on the shores of foreign lands. They eventually formed shorelines of a semi-living material, or what we today know as Spam. The majority of this material collected on the shores of Scandinavia where Vikings used it as as weapon against Germanic tribes attacking from the south. Meanwhile, the Native Americans were using Spam to build huts and canoes, since it was much more water resistant than wood and provided superior protection from the elements. As time went on, the human race found more and more uses for this wondeful substance. The Spam deposits were buried by the currents of the gulf stream in North America, but was still abundant in Europe and the Middle East. In the year 20 A.D. one of Jesus's desciples was noted to have seen the face of the Devil himself in a slice of Spam. (Hence the name Deviled Ham, Spam's distant cousin.) In Medieval times, kings and princes were known to have moats of Spam to fend of would-be intruders from their castles, due to it's air-tight quality (Which NASA later found uses for) which would suffocate anyone who fell in instantly. By the early 1700's, Some of Spam's more obscure properties emerged. In one of Benjamin Franklin's electricity experiments, he noted that Spam was a better conductor than copper or gold - but there was a catch - If Spam was exposed to direct current for more than 20 minutes, it would violently explode. Spam became a food product on or around December 21, 1872, when an enterpreneur chef, James M. Schutz, discovered that Spam, or as he called it "Schutz's Peerless Artifical Meat" was edible and in fact, in his own words, "Hot dang tasty." Despite the acronym obvious in Mr. Schutz's name for his product, the term "Spam" was not actually coined until the mid-20th century when Elvis Presley, after eating a slice of Spam, described it with the following: "Uh huh! That tastes like, uh, ham, but, uh, differn't. Mmm! Spicy. Yeah, uh, That's some spicy ham! Spice ham! Uh, Spam! 'Cilla, come try this!" Today Spam is used in all kinds of applications, from O-rings on the space shuttle to Lava Lamps. (A fine-grained colloid form of Spam.) As we find new and powerful uses for this amazing god-given gift, and unravel even more mysteries about Spam, we must remember to preserve and conserve this valuable resource.