Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I  am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins.  The head steward announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight."