1.Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime
your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on
the
floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime
your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers,
say you know nothing about them.
2.Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head
while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your
bed.
Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3.Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're
back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for
five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4.Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then
leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When
he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it
looks like, THEY, were here again."
5.Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..."
and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some
ice
cream.
6.Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain
that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead."
Do
it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this
time, they deserved it.
7.Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off
as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain
that
they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been
having terrible nightmares.
8.Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons
and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires,
explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say
anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
9.Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor.
Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of
notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist
that he/she do the same.
10."Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain
that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11.Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell
your
roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and
explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go
to
sleep.
12.Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God!
Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few
minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say
you don't know what he/she is talking about.
13.Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger
every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's
spreading."
14.Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat
the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15.Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After
a
few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I
can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the
room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep
the
pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16.Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until
the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty
minutes.
17.Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a
cannibal.
18.Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon,
soon...."
19.Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she
comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in,
I'm
naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally
let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your
clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20.Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus.
Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them
ask
about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh,
him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
21.If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her
on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed,
muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
22.Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that
you don't know how they got there.
23.Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of
the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room.
Laugh at the pencil.
24.Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest
come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving
everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously
"recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs,
excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25.Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all
of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate,
"Okay, your turn."
26.Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid
of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's
around here somewhere."
27.Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for
you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh,
yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up
for
several weeks.
28.Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other
people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your
roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs
bowling shoes.
29.Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and
hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long,
painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30.While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the
ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor,
hold your head, and moan.
31.Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing
a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring
in
a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell
your
roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with
the
pig, eating lots of bacon.
32.Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor.
Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid
of
it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?"
Complain loudly that you are hungry.
33.Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway,
complaining about the poor picture quality.
34.Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about
an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is
gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window,
pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return.
The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
35.Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them
names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your
roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and
then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to
your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36.Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream.
Use
it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later
on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process
for
several weeks.
37.Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week.
If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out
there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
38.Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look
at
it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room
entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering
to
your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39.Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken
window as you normally would.
40.Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act
excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's
eye.
41.Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says,
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them,
start
ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42.Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing
so
every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few
weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time.
If
your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that
anymore, Murray."
43.Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are
sleeping.
44..Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and
look
at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
45.Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab
your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed.
Sob
and sniff all night.
46.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on
the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After
you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call
back."
47.Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn
off
the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and
loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
48..Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate
tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think
you are? A king?"
49.Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing,
doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game
goes a lot faster with two players."
50.Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden,
act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse
to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51.Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate
in
unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret
word
often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make
him/her pay a tithe.
52.Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats
on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in,
turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away
the
stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it
lasted."
53.Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey.
If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting
like
a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's
idea. When you and your roommate are alone again,
continue acting like a monkey.
54.Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster.
Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your
roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster
made you do it.
55.Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim
that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his
side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his
possessionsimmediately.
56.Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus
tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
57.Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate
inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your
Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of
not
having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has
offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
58.Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time.
Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59.Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that
you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60.Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she
asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some
magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
61.Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light
bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day.
Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
62.Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for
a
while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room.
Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look
at
the screen and say, "Don't do that."
63.Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with
a
genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish
for. At the end of the week, report that someone has
released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64.Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch
him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and
circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests,
say,
"The people have a right to know!"
65.Collect potato chips that you think look like famous
people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it,
and
explain, "It had to be done."
66.Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank
Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67.Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking
depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain
that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an
injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her
shadow.
68.When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in
disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling
and
cursing.
69.Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your
roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe
return.
70.Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name.
Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her
bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out
the
window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things
about your roommate at the funeral.
71.Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate
comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think."
If
he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
72.Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish
it,
gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your
roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave
the room.
73.Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons.
Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through
it.
Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74.Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like,
"I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me."
Sign them in blood.
75.Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize.
If
he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76.Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you'd like to have a conversation.
77.Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your
roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.
Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78.Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation.
When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle
of
delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll
continue this later," while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.
79.Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the
room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're
not
using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far
away
for you to see.
80.Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then
become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid
and
they don't know what they're talking about.
81.Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited
every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
82.Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in,
say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's
just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83.Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen,
changing things and making random corrections. If your
roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't
take
it anymore.
84.Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait
for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about
it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
85.Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about
having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and
wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate,
look above the door where the horseshoe used to be,
hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
86.Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that
the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day,
tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she
has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that
you
really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.
87.As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night,
begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your
roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to
be
confused.
88.Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your
refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front
of
your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your
roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking
steroids.
89.Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about
how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your
face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you
hate
lemonade.
90.Late at night, start conversations that begin with,
"Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make
up
stories involving you and your roommate.
91.Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the
closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the
rest of the day.
92.Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others
in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your
roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what
they
used to be."
93.Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means
there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your
roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the
room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake
hit,
but only on one side of the room.
94.Buy a gun. Clean it every day.. One day, put a band-aid
on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95.Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain
to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own
rules.
96.Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw
faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them
for
several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that
your
"pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient
community. Confide in your roommate that you think the
king
of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97.While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start
a
garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron
inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are
just
trying to get even.
98.Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race
them down the hall.
99.Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through
basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room.
Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a
restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.
100.Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate
that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of
the
cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning,
accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies.
If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist
that
you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and
that
those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble
angrily and storm out of the room.