Quotable Quotes
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I stopped believing in Santa
Claus when my mother took me to see him
in a department store, and
he asked for my autograph. --Shirley
Temple
If all the cars in the United
States were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend.
--Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will
lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it. --Bob
Hope
I know that there are people
in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people
like that! --Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy
of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then
I thought: What good would
that do? --Ronnie Shakes
It is difficult to produce
a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when
every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
dancing rabbits singing
about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe,
every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must
be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson
(1911-1980)
Television - a medium. So
called because it is neither rare nor
well-done. --Ernie
Kovacs
Always remember this: If
you don't attend the funerals of your
friends, they will certainly
not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken
A good novel tells us the
truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells
us the truth about its author.
--G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Thus the metric system did
not really catch on in the United States,
unless you count the increasing
popularity of the nine millimeter
bullet. --Dave Barry
This isn't right. It isn't
even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper
submitted by a physicist
colleague
Today you can go to a gas
station and find the cash register open and
the toilets locked. They
must think toilet paper is worth more than
money. --Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual
is that nobody's there to appreciate
--Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for
you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD
for you. --Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you
are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren't
smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Norm Crosby
The imaginary friends I
had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist.
--Aaron Machado
I told the doctor I broke
my leg in two places. He told me to quit
going to those places.
--Henny Youngman
The reason there are two
senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver.
--Jay Leno
It matters not whether you
win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. --Darrin
Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager
you are in the last stage of your life in
which you will be happy
to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran
Lebowitz
A cynic is a man who, when
he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin. --H.L. Mencken
It ain't so much the things
you don't know that get you in trouble.
It's the things you know
that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward,
1834-1867