PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:
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The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"),
being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following
with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him")
being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially
referred to as the "first date"), each party
agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent
children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social
diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active
relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers,
and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship
before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2) INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the
person who arrange the liaison (colloquially referred to as the
"matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns
out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of
"real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most
bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse".
For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in
"Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)

3) DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship
proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree
to use the following terminology in describing their said
"dating": For the first thirty(30) days, both parties consent
to say they are "going out".
(This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.)
Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say
they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third
parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement
of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms
"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may
refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the
phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball
and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if
both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards
this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship
on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be
said to be "on the market".

4) TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both
parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts
on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No
unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties
agree they have no "rights" or  "holds" on the other's time.
Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one
party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation,
the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5) DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both
members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the
other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions.
All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in
advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the
night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties
agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous
home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one
unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five
(45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6) TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income
aside-"he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters,
and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed,
"he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary
funds on hand at the time.

7) LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I
bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
relationship progress to the point where the couple spends
more than four nights a week together, every effort shall
be made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence
the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to
"pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment,
including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting
with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to
respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8) THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months,
each member of the couple agrees to hold the other
blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move
in together", "Why don't we start a family?" and using
archaic terminology like "Let's get married".

9) THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties
agree not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love
plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular
pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
to abide by this rule will result in the other party using
the "G" word... "Gone".

10) GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will
be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution
of said relationship:
 A) Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an
    ex-girl/boyfriend.
 B) Ending an argument with the sentence
    "My ex used to do the same thing"
 C) Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other
     member should seek "help"
 D) Ending any argument with the phrase
    "My analyst thinks you are..."

11) DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each
party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by
using one or all of the following phrases:
"You'll never find anybody better"
"Nobody could ever make you happy"
"I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"
"My analyst thinks you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)

12) MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive
until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the
rocks". Each party agrees to give the other at least five
minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the
termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature
and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums,
door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste
through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait
at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with
any of the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain
from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days
(bedroom performance included), and further consent to use
one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the
breakup:
"The timing wasn't right."
"He/she wanted more than I could give."
"He/she was too involved in his/her career."
"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/ hometown/therapist."

13) ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what -
both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".