Subjecting you to the same pain I must endure...


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found 
his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on 
complaining to the local civic official who apologized rofusely 
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were 
avid bowlers. However,  all the league records were destroyed in 
a fire.  Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I 
think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle 
down.   You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered 
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet 
of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had 
to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two 
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly 
stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with...

(this is actually my favorite)

transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk 
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated 
that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any 
case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his 
doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell 
you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts 
wanted to produce other products.  Since they already made the 
cases for pocket watches, they decided to make compasses for the 
pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their 
watches were the finest quality, their compasses were so bad 
that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than 
California or Oregon. This of course, is the origin of the
expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the 
lavatory equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We 
have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the 
medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took 
out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, 
instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the 
leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to 
see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin.  One 
slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This 
goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the 
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.