1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version
of just about everything.
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Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use
corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented.
As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or
"industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession
he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases
are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at
a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far.
The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled
his flat with "operating theatre quality air". I kept him away from
my surgical steel steak knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
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We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets
are like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out
to buy eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns
home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
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Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start
with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?"
A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know
what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence
will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking
about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
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Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little
patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely
good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock,
a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately,
this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied
with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
5. Men and video games.
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Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their
lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his
girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in
the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of
an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter
II is making the rounds at the office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
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When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we
are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men
will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy
regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record,
it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly
under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense
of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and
then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever
makes us feel any better.
7. The way we watch television.
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Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on
the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials,
with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately
for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on
the remote.
8. Our sense of humor.
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When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor,
they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never
understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his
nose.
9. Why we're so boring.
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Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical
jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women
only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates
among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit
with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve
these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive
to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring.
Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde
as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get
to the freeway.
10. The male menopause.
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Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it -
women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing
it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson
and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there
has to be more to it than that.