This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes must of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to six months between recurrances, and long-time news readers look forward with dread to each new round of the same old jokes.
It is possible to construct infinite small variations on these jokes by substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse.
Of course you may substitue any ethnic group for '<ethnic>'. I feel it would take all the fun out for me to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so many and when I don't know your personal prejudices.
The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose lifestyle people. In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are 'Marin County' residents/housewives.
!WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be offensive to members of the following groups:
Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians Generals Politicians Marxists supply-side economists Athletes Students artists Professors Psychiatrists Psychologists Doctors Lawyers Christians Jews Zen Buddhists gods Vice Presidents Managers <ethnics> Russians Feminists mice Homosexuals Lesbians Software people IBM employees WASPs Bell-Labs Employees
and no doubt others who are offended to have been left out of this list.
----- The Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes -----
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A1: None of your damn business! A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers (software engineers) does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. A': Two...one always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks/field service engineer's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They think that it's a software problem. A': None. They always work in the dark!!!!
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. A: Only one, but it takes nine years.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Alternate answer: A: None: med-students don't screw, they study.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Variation: Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's "Women" and it's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their own light within them.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. A2: No one knows. They only use heavy ones.
Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb. A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many New Jerseyites does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Leave us alone -- we take enough s**t as it is.
Q: How many Irishmen (frat guys) does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
(Guess the question.) One to hold the lightbulb, and 30,000 to spin the Vatican.
How many Californians does it take to paddle a canoe? Six: Two to paddle, and four to go with the flow.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five: two to write the specification, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late!
Q. How many two-year olds does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one. But it takes two parents to make sure that he/she DOESN'T change that bulb!
Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events. 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility). 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC). 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission. 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements). compatibility architecture/study. 3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study. 2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group. 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 10 People - Answer customer BPRs. 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.
Q: How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: About 1/3rd less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!
Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high- wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
- Jim Phelps Washington, D.C.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Notes on this years collection: Most of the work on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes is attributable to Kurt Guntheroth. It fulfilled a Public Service that was best expressed by the note from Russell Spence immediately below. So, all credit to Kurt. I did, however, correct a few typos. My main involvement came when I posted a collection of jokes NOT in the canonical collection, and received mail for the original list, as well as a few more suggestions. To forestall that, I promised to post both lists on April Fool's Day. So here it is. And with this, I'm getting out of the Light Bulb Business. Craig Werner (werner@aecom.UUCP) P.S. Will the person who sent me the winning entry on the Necrophiliac LBJ write me so I can attribute it. I lost your letter. (See very last joke) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: russ@ihuxi.UUCP (Russell Spence) Subject: YALBJ
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke? A: 1000; One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem"
WARNING: Anyone who re-submits the afore-mentioned joke risks being flamed to incredible toastiness!!!!!
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Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh!
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Notes: What do you mean, you haven't read 2010 yet?
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.
Jym Dyer Nashua, New Hampshire {allegra|decvax|ihnp4|ucbvax}!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-vaxuum!dyer ___________________________________________________________________________ From: gm@trsvax.UUCP (George Moore @ Tandy System Software) Subject: A *NEW* light bulb joke
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
------------------------------------------------------------------ From: chris@umcp-cs.UUCP (Chris Torek @ U. of MD Comp Sci Dept)
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- From: werner@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner @ Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY) ALL NEW, NEVER SEEN BEFORE ON USENET (I hope!) LIGHT BULB JOKES.
Several months ago, two versions of The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes were posted by <kurt@fluke.UUCP (Kurt Guntheroth)> and <DYER%VAXUUM.DEC@DECWRL.ARPA (Jim Dyer)> I've combined these lists and a few other reasonably original LB jokes that appeared on the net, and then compared other sources for jokes that didn't appear in any of these lists. The following is the result. Sources are given in all cases. Although, in some instances, I may have paraphrased to improve the joke's delivery.
The following jokes or variations are from: _How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_Does_It_Take_to_Screw_in_a_Light_Bulb?_ by Matt Freedman and Paul Hoffman c. 1980 (Paperback, illustrated.) (The sampling below thus constitutes an advertisement for the book.)
Alternate Answer: Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
Alternate Answer: Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.
The following do not appear in the canonical list in any form: (still from _How_Many_Zen_Buddhists_....)
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. (Notes: this joke might be dated.)
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half.
Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
>The following appeared in the comic strip "Hello Carol."
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
>The following is attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard.
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb? A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! (Notes: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that beleives in violent revolution.)
>The following cropped up while I was in anatomy lab doing a dissection. >(I'm a 1st year Med student.) We are currently looking for a better >answer than the one provided.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. ------- >The best answer that came in was: A: Only one. Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 250; 1 to change it, and 249 to tape record the event.
Q: How many New Jersey drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. One to turn the bulb, one to cut him off from the left, one to cut him off from the right, one to tailgate, and another to honk his horn.
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Q: How many Egonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. Notes: Yucch
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke? A: The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08 . So it takes about 12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke.
Q: How many Rambo's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. This time the bulb doesn't go out.
A: How many net.singles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. One to admit he can't change it, and nine to tell him it's OK to be afraid of the dark.
From: werner@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner) Subject: Addendum to Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes Organization: Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY
As many people know, Kurt Guntheroth mantains the Canonical collection of Light Bulb Jokes (and first compiled it). I also maintain a version of the list, which is more complete and retains attributions, but is less well edited. I would have posted this list this April 1, as I did last year, but Kurt just posted his in February, so here is only the Addendum -- the jokes that did not appear on last year's list.
Craig Werner
------------- First the cast of contributors:
JK: klavan@aecom.UUCP (Jeffrey Klavan @ Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY) E: evan@pedsga MC: ching@amd.UUCP (Mike Ching @ AMD Applications, Santa Clara, CA) PdS: peter@baylor.UUCP (Peter da Silva) MB: matt@rocky2.UUCP (Matthew Blaze @ Rockefeller Univ., N.Y.C. 10021) W: mojo@well.UUCP (Mojo Jones @ Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA) >Here's a compilation from my 'jokes' conference on The Well: >How many ... does it take to change a light bulb? >I've left out the authors and the credits, leaving just the jokes for >the most part. W_WL: Woody Liswood (on The Well) SYL: slerner@sesame.UUCP (Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner @ Lotus Development Corp) JM: munson@squirt.DEC (Joanne Munson @ DEC Engineering Network) DL: levy@ttrdc.UUCP (Daniel R. Levy @ ATT Comp. Sys. Div., Skokie, IL) KCT: kcollinsthom@watnot.UUCP (Kevyn C.-Thompson @ U of Waterloo, Ontario) CS: cdshaw@watmum.UUCP (Chris Shaw @ U of Waterloo, Ontario) JWZ: jwz@cmu-cs-spice.ARPA (Jamie Zawinski @ Carnegie-Mellon U., CS/RI) MJ: mj@husky.uucp (Mark A. Johnson @ Eastman Kodak Company, Rochester, NY) MW: weemba@brahms.BERKELEY.EDU (Matthew P. Wiener @ U. of Cal, Berkeley) RR: bobr@zeus.UUCP (Robert Reed @ Tektronix, Beaverton OR) ND: nola@sun.uucp (Nola Donato @ Sun Microsystems, Inc.) IB: jhunix!ins_bbdg ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q<JK>: How many 'C' programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 101, 1 to change the light bulb, and 100 to figure out the error messages.
Q<E>: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 5. 1 to screw it in, 2 to write about the exploitation of the socket, and 2 to envy the socket.
> Also, Watt said "A black, a woman, 2 Jews, and a cripple," if I'm not > mistaken. - evan@pedsga
Q<MC>: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the screwing began.
Q<PdS>: How many (insert your least favorite company here) programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: They just let marketing explain that the dead bulb is a feature.
Q<MB>: How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change it, and four to decontaminate the ground beneath.
Q<W>: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.
Q<W>: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to screw it in and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Q<W>: How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones.
Q<W>: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q<W>: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root causes as to why the last one went out.
Q<W>: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q<W>: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
Q<W>: How many union members does it take to change a light bulb? A: Are you kidding?
Q<W>: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue 14 bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
Q<W>: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q<W>: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
Q<W>: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.
Q<W_WL>: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q<W>: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Q<W>: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
Q<W>: How many polite New Yorkers? A: Both of them.
Q<W>: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four: one to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of florescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!
Q<PdS>: How many New Jersey netters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he posts 10 messages to net.wanted asking about it first. A'<DL>: No no. He/she has to post a message to net.general trying to sell the old one.
Q<KCT>: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to convince the public that it's a good idea.
Q<CS>: How many slag weekenders/engineers does it take to screw in a lite bulb ? A: Five: One to hold the bulb......and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
<JWZ>: [Note: for Douglas Hofstadter fans:] TORTOISE:"How many Existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" ACHILLES:"How Many?" TORTOISE:"What light bulb?" ACHILLES: <silence> TORTOISE:"Well? Did you get the joke?" ACHILLES:"What joke?"
<CW> Zen Lightbulb Jokes - probably the one that has lent itself to the most variations (also the name of a illustrated book):
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light Bulb? A1: Two, one to screw it in, and one not to screw it in. A2: Two, one to screw it in. (A1 is false Zen, A2 is true Zen) A3: Yes. A4: Three. One to gather firewood, and one to enlighten the novice. (I personally think that this captures the spirit best.) A5: None. Zen masters shine with their own light.
Q<MW>: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: To get to the other side.
Q<MW>: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke. A': One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke. A'': etc. . . . . A''~~': None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q<RR>: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q<ND>: How many AT&T spokesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, but it's the right choice.
Q<SYL>: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to get everyone to unsubscribe to net.jokes? A: Probably just one more...
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but the whole building will fall down if he does it wrong. --
Craig Werner !philabs!aecom!werner (1935-14E Eastchester Rd., Bronx NY 10461, 212-931-2517) "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Q: How many mimes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But you will need another mime to read a book by it.
Q: How many "Super intelligent shades of the color blue" does it take to change a light bulb? A: Silly, they glow in the dark already.
Q: How many A.I. experts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Thirteen. 3 -- To build the robot control and manipulation system. 1 -- To write the motor control and sensor routine. 2 -- To design and implement a goal directed robot programming language. 3 -- To implement a graphic based robot simulation system to use until robot has finished. 1 -- To submit a landing proposal to DARPHA. 2 -- To write the artical "The design of a goal oriented command directed multitasking testbed for the implementation of a servo subsystem for incadescent source replacement". 1 -- Graduate student getting credit to procure a lightbulb and find an installed lightbulb which has failed in the first place.
Q: How many BMW mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but it costs you $100., requires 3 special tools, and he has to be re-trained every year for the operation.
Q: How many presidential aides does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. He would rather be kept in the dark.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to pronounce the lightbulb legally dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
Q: How many immortals does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but it may take him forever to do it.
Q: How many disarmament folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: They won't, because: 1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?"
2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over."
3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere."
4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind."
5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet."
6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need."
9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"
- Darwin R. Crum, Schaumburg, Ill.
Q: How many White House aides does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None; they'd rather keep Reagan in the dark!
Q: How many car salesman does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Let me work it out on my calculator. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.