America's inmates don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice
system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the
states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called
frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:

* A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that
he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by
committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the
$5 million.

* A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and
suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut"
by an unqualified barber in prison.

* A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at
the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

* A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights
were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S.
Postal Service.

* An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could
not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its
practices were secret.

* An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that
prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

* An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogaine for his
baldness.

* An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

* An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music
every day.

* A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only
serves about 3 years of a 10-year sentence."

* A Maryland female inmate sued and won on the issue of male guards
observing the women showering.

* A Federal prisoner in Texas filed a "class action" lawsuit in Federal
court alleging inmates were forced to work at hourly wages of under 30
cents, and were refused permission to form a trade union and/or strike for
minimum wages under Federal law.  (case is still pending)