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Welcome to Chaya and Schmeryl's wedding. We are delighted
that all of you could be here to gorge yourselves at Chaya's parents' expense.
We have prepared this booklet in order to illustrate the beauty and deep
meaning of the Jewish wedding ceremony, as well as to provide a means to
distract you during the rabbi's endless dreying and deflect your neighbors'
flatulence.
KABBALAT PANIM
The day's festivities begin with kabbalat panim, an opportunity to
offer a joyous greeting to the bride, who is escorted in by her friends
and family. Chaya is seated on a large, throne-like chair, where she receives
greetings from guests. At this point, it is customary for the men
to attack the smorgasbord like a pack of hungry refugees. It
is customary for women to comment aloud about how beautiful the bride looks,
while musing quietly about what she'll look like after about ten years
of childbirth and strudel.
THE KETUBAH
Archaic and incomprehensible legal documents play a very important
role in Judaism. One of the most important such documents is the
ketubah, an ancient document that details Schmeryl's monetary responsibilities
and Chaya's claim to all of his assets, including the shirt off his back,
as security for those obligations in the event of death or divorce.
It is customary to decorate this document with pretty flowers and other
colorful designs and hang it from the wall of the couple's new home. At
this point in history, the role of the ketubah is important, but largely
symbolic, unlike the shtar tannaim, which is completely useless.
The shtar tannaim is an agreement between the two families that their children
should get married. Duh. Like, if they didn't want them to
get married, why am I, like, wearing a gown?
THE CHOSSON'S TISCH
"Tisch" literally means table in Yiddish. At the "chosson's tisch,"
the men gather around a table and serenade Schmeryl with Hebrew drinking
songs. The same table is also used to sign the ketubah and tannaim.
It is considered a fortuitous sign to spill an entire glass of scotch all
over a $1,200 illuminated ketubah. If the groom is a scholar, he
delivers a torah lecture. While he is speaking, it is customary for
the men to discuss the basketball or football game that they are missing
in order to be at the wedding.
BEDEKIN
An important part of the marriage ceremony is the bedekin, wherein
the bride and groom see each other for the first time after a week of separation,
and prepare for the marriage ceremony. In order to make this process
as noisy and confusing as possible, Schmeryl is danced in by a large crowd
of smelly men. He then lowers the veil down over Chaya's face, consummating
an important part of the marriage process. Many authorities insist
that Chaya's veil remain down from now until the wedding ceremony.
This is because it is funny to watch her bump into things.
THE PROCESSION
During the ceremony, Chaya and Schmeryl will stand under the chuppah,
or wedding canopy. The chuppah is a symbol of the Jewish home, since
most Jewish homes are built to look like large white bedsheets. Schmeryl
is preceded by a procession of his close friends and family: bubbe and
zayde; his brothers, Yonkie and Yitzie; sister Huvie and friends Chaim
Mukapuckapucka, Louis Friedsnickman and Dr. Steven Putzamulla. Schmeryl
will then enter, escorted by his mother and father, who are carrying lit
candles in order to keep away the mosquitoes. Chaya's family and
friends are next: bubbe and zayde; sisters Mali, Rachel and Latifa; brother
Duvie and friends Shani Grezputkinoff and Dani Rulbuggabug. Chaya,
together with her parents, will enter next, at which point it is customary
to stand up and take flash pictures 8 inches from her face.
When Chaya has reached the chuppah, she will walk around Schmeryl seven
times. Seven is a very significant number in Judaism, as it is the
smallest positive number that is the sum of a perfect square and an odd
number
greater than one.
KIDDUSHIN
In ancient times, a man would betroth a woman by hitting her over the
head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away. Judaism
sought to bring reverence and sancity to this relationship between man
and woman. We were therefore commanded at Sinai to recite a short Hebrew
formula before hitting the woman on the head with a large rock or animal
bone and dragging her away. The essence of the wedding ceremony is
"kiddushin," wherein Schmeryl buys Chaya for a nominal sum. Once
Schmeryl has bought Chaya, no one else is allowed to either buy or borrow
Chaya and Schmeryl may not sell Chaya at any point. Any liens,
easements or sale-leaseback arrangements involving Chaya that pre-date
Schmeryl's purchase should not be discussed publicly, except in low tones
among cousins and family friends during the wedding ceremony.
NESUIN
The second half of the wedding ceremony (which is actually the first
half, don't ask) is known as nesuin. This act symbolizes the groom's
removal of the bride from her father's house and her placement in his own
domicile. There are several rituals that are used to fulfill this obligation:
* Veiling the bridge - performed during the bedekin
* Standing under the chupah together
* Yichud - Complete seclusion in a private room.
This is where the bridge and groom traditionally break their fast,
and it affords Schmeryl his first real opportunity to practice ignoring
his wife while eating.
SHEVA BRACHOT
The marriage ceremony is accompanied by seven blessings, praising the
Almighty for creating the joyous institution of marriage. Each blessing
is customarily given out as an honor to a different individual. It
is considered admirable to allocate blessings to rabbis and Torah scholars
with whom the families enjoy close relationships. However, since
few families say more than three words to their rabbis over the course
of a lifetime,
it is customary to hire bearded men off the street to pretend to be
rabbis.
BREAKING THE GLASS
At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, it is customary to sing
the verse from Psalms - "If I forget thee, Jerusalem, may my right hand
forget its cunning." Shortly afterwards, Schmeryl will step on a
glass; the broken glass symbolizes the memory of the destroyed Holy Temple
and our people's exile from Zion, which makes even the joy of a wedding
incomplete. After the glass has been broken, the audience generally
breaks out into applause to demonstrate our joy that the Messiah has not
yet come, and we may therefore continue to live in Teaneck.