A mother and her son were flying UNITED
AIRLINES from Indianapolis to Chicago. The son, who
had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said,
"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who
couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you
to ask me that?" He said that she had.  So the stewardess
said, "Go tell your mother that UNITED AIRLINES always pulls out
on time."
 
 

  Definitions for Modern Times
  BEAUTY PARLOR:  A place where women curl up and dye.

  CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.

  CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
are
dead.

  COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

  GOSSIP:  A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

  HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

  INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

  SECRET:  Something you tell to one person at a time.

  YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.

  TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
 ~~~~~~ >>
 

   The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around and
unemployed; 20% of the time it is pissed off; 30% of the
time it is hard up; and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On
top of all this, it has two >>dependents and they are both nuts.
     Accordingly, starting January 1, 1997, your penis will be
taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please
consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page
2, Section 7, Sub-section 9(c), Line 3 on your 1040 Form which
contains a measuring device to accurately determine your
correct size and correct tax. If we, the IRS, sense that you
are lying, you will be required to attach a photocopy of your
penis to your return.
     TAX CHART-For Additional Taxes Due on Size of Penis
 10" to 12"-----Luxury Tax-----$300.00
 8" to 10" -----Pole Tax--------250.00
 6" to 8"  -----Privilege Tax---150.00
 4" to 6"  -----Nuisance Tax-----50.00
NOTE:   Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.