- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- He who hesitates is probably right.

- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.

- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

- The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the length of the reach.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism+ADs- to steal from many is research.

- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

- Two wrongs are only the beginning.

- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

- Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

- A fool and his money are soon partying.

- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it+ACE-

- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade+ACE-

- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Everybody repeat after me.....+ACI-We are all individuals.+ACI-

- Death to all fanatics+ACE-

- Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo.

- Chastity is curable, if detected early.

- Don't be sexist+ADs- broads hate that+ACE-

- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

- Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

- Half the people you know are below average.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 And finally....

- If at first you don't succeeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....