When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not
need to stop.  Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need
to stop.

If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed
through the intersection, regardless of the current colour of the light.

The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the
right of way, regardless of the situation.  This is especially applicable
in parking lots.

Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures.  Pass any open
spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it.  Disregard
the angry mob that has formed behind you.

Get to know your horn.  Use it as often as possible.

While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate
between 45 and 100 MPH.  This is especially effective if driving in the
fast lane.

Every lane is the suicide lane.

Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car
in a parking ramp.

During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or
L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

If you miss your exit, no worries.  Just cut across six lanes of traffic
and drive over the divider.  If you really weren’t supposed to cross it,
they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.

For parking purposes, all SUV’s are compact cars.  Honest.

To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from
100.  Double this number if your car has dual exhaust.  Conversely, add
your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife
crisis.

If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over.  Slow down exactly where you are and
start looking for carnage.

If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.  You won’t get away, but
it’s guaranteed you’ll make live TV.  Towards the end of the chase, be sure
to throw random items out of your window.  It will give the reporters
something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o’ clock news.

Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no
intention of merging.

Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate
immediately.  Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around
holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

Never Carpool.

Take full advantage of your right to u-turn.  Laugh aloud at people from
other states who turn around in driveways.

In case of rain, immediately pull over.  You can not drive in any sort of
precipitation.

While driving uphill, do not down shift.  While driving downhill, ride your
brakes.

When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake,
remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club™ on your steering wheel.

On narrow canyon roads,  feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.