CONTRACPTIVES '98 by Microsoft
         -Submitted by Chris Keen
     ==============================
News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft
Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
every aspect of American life with the introduction
of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed
for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a
pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and
play.

It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement
market.The product addresses two important user
concerns: the need for virus protection and the need
for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human
beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:
Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1
(from Norton Utilities). A free copy of
Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server
edition, for professionals in the sexual services
sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a
package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo
niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional
copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for
next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection
needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom98 software checks for
minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements,
the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to
meet most requirements. After installation, operation
commences. One caution is that the user must have
sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the
session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the
user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your
partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent
failures were a major concern during beta testing.
General Protection Fault was the most serious error
encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most
of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be
installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite
its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its
$49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware
version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout
and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard
Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about
"Our contraceptive products will help users do
to each other what we've been doing to our
customers for years."