Not that I agree, but this was sent to me as the first draft
of
Clinton's address to the nation...
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.
I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because
if you
think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra,
you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't
tried
to do are the First Lady, Reno, and Albright, mostly because they're
a little
older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl
Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I
do. If not
for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight.
I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater
property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired
the travel staff,
paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale
Motel 6,
and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't
know I was
as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out
to be
a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball
player who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it
was Reagan, who left the office with the same gummy bears he came in
with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest
rate,
smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked
in. Nixon
before that coined, but never really understood, the concept
of
'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin
for his
crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad
war
criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent
Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long
enough for America to spot that curious streak shared by at least
a
dozen former residents of the White House.
But now, the budget is balanced for the first time since JFK
did a one
gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student
on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who
can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost
of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with
my pecker
showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles,
and then I'd like to discuss
it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking
the
Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night and God bless America. Wishing you peace
and
groovy
times."