CHEER UP!!!  Your neighbors drink better beer than you, but
             they voted Republican, and now they have to
             face the mirror with shame every morning.
 

CHEER UP!!!  Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your
             knuckles with a ruler?  She's 75 years old now,
             and she has arthritis.
 

CHEER UP!!!  If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone.
             Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by
             Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)
 

CHEER UP!!!  The worse things get,...
             the less you have to lose!
 

CHEER UP!!!  You'll be happy to know that your local
             newspaper is made of 50% recycled material.
             (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)
 

CHEER UP!!!  Miss Manners has finally been discredited.
             It's rude to tell other people what to do!
 

CHEER UP!!!  Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too.
             It's lewd to tell other people about their poo.
 

CHEER UP!!!  Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban
             housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
 

CHEER UP!!!  No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your
             old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.
 

CHEER UP!!!  The time you spent reading this email could've been
             spent more productively.  But you're not bothered
             because you're one of those well-adjusted people who
             really doesn't give a shit.