SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ODE TO BEER

He was a wise man who invented beer.
 --Plato

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
 --Oscar Wilde

Beer is proof that G-d loves us and wants us to be happy.
 --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out
your nose.
 --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you
that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
 --Dave Barry

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
 --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
 --Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there
would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
 --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
 --George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
 --Washington Irving

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get
back to killing you with beer.
 --Homer Simpson

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
 --W.C. Fields