This was an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.  And we thought Minnesotan's had their share of bureaucracy to put up with. You may have seen this in the past, but it's too funny not to share again.

Reply To:
Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building, 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids, MI 49503-2341

John Engler, Governor
Russell J. Harding, Director
Department of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building, PO Box 30473
Lansing, MI 48909-7973

December 17, 1997
CERTIFIED MAIL

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT:        DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Section 20;
Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity at the above
reference parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of
this type of activity. A review of the Department's file show that no
permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that
this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Complied Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream location. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this
office when the restoration has been completed so the follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate you full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

________________________________________________

RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Section 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me
to respond to.  You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of
people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore,
have to send them a copy of my response. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not
legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan-I am
the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (state unauthorized)
process of construction and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across
the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natural building materials "debris", I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose. I believe I can safely state that there is no way you
could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, or their dam determination and/or
their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of
this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout the State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Complied Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so
the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence
which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should
leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and
calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam
free-flow condition -- please contact the beavers-but if you are going to
arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter
-- being unable to read English) be sure they are read the Miranda rights
first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by
interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam
beavers -- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this
response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of
this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their
existence in the state - I seriously hope you are not selectively
enforcing this dam policy-or once again both I and the Spring Pond
Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the
natural resource (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as
far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for a
more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to be investigating the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office via another government organization -- the dam USPS.
Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely,
Steven L. Tvedten
cc: PETA