Letter to IRS

The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied
two of my dependent deductions! I sent them the following letter:


Dear Sirs: 


I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my Federal Income Tax return. Thank you.
I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.


It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that
the  government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these
waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year.
You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction. This year they are yours!


The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples' questions
about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not
seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While
you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the
moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence,
and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the
future. 


Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.


In February, I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses.
In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or
sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple.


Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. 
You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school
after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much
more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles
or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)


Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you
are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other
two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She
cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie
doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who
has her roll her R's.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears
pierced four more times.  There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come
to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be
easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of.


You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest. I'll
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If
you take the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, I won't feel so
bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a
down payment on an airplane.


Yours Truly,
Jane Doe