JEWISH QUIPS FOR A MONDAY

Religious Jealousy

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special
holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks celebrate their
holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays.
EVERY religion has its holidays.  But we atheists," he said, "have no
recognized national holidays.  It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Well ...  Why don't you celebrate April first?"
=====================
George W. Bush, the candidate for president of the United  States, was in an 
airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing 
white beard and flowing white hair.  The man had a staff in one hand and
some stone tablets under the other arm.

Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't  you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view
and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied,
"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
===============
Shul Notices
<< These announcements were found in shul newsletters and
: bulletins.  Even spell check wouldn't have helped!...
: 
: Don't let worry kill you.  Let your synagogue help.
: 
: Join us for our Oneg after services.  Prayer and medication to follow.
: 
: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
: 
: For those of you who have children and don't know it,
: we have a nursery downstairs.
: 
: We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss,
: the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
: 
: Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Lilttle Mothers Club. 
: All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private
: study.
: 
: The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of
: every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
: 
: A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center.   
: Music will follow.
: 
: Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC.  Please
: use the large double door at the side entrance.
: 
: The 1997 Regional Coundil Meeting will be held on August 20.
: 
: Rabbi is on vacation.  Massages can be given to his secretary.
: 
: Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
: 
: The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.  
: Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
: 
: Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob,
: who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
: 
: We are taking up a collection to defray the cosst of the new carpet in the sanctuary.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forard and get a piece of paper.
: 
: If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
: 
: The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign 
slogan this week:  "I Upped My: Pledge - Up Yours."
==================
It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates 
that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses.
It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
==================
A Passover Song
[Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things"]

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

Take Me Out To The Seder
(To the tune of , of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
And its root, root, root for Elijah
That he will soon reappear.
And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
Once again next year!

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Read the Haggadah
And don't skip a word.
Please hold your talking,
We want to be heard.
And lets, root, root, root for the leader
That he will finish his spiel
So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
Let's eat the meal!!!