Food Spoilage Table

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is
spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.

BREAD
Seseme seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.

LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not fart when
you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.