"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
   I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take
   lots of coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
   I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
   I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
   I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
   I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
   I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
   I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
   As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
   I carry a Franklin Planner.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
   You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
   I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
   The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
   I'm a college dropout.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
   Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
   Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid
   form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me
   luck in my future career.